Good news: I have no more stomach ache, and I didn’t even throw up.

Currently, I’m experiencing some (largely good) emotions, and I don’t know what to make of them or how (or whether) to proceed. It’s a lot of fun to work with people who are fun to work with, but when I’m as busy as I am, I don’t have time to enjoy it much outside the context of work. Should I try to?

My ability to speak in the detached abstract is unmatched, and I’m consciously doing that now. There are emotions here, I swear. Writing about emotions in non-cliched ways is tough, so perhaps this is the more meaningful approach: by showing that I am not yet ready to fully poke the emotions, perhaps I am showing more than were I to describe the emotions in the flowered language of cultural tropes.

I recently decided that I want to do a few of these posts where I emulate the style of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. Allegedly, that dog wrote the entire book on a single roll of paper, all “bennied” up and as stimulated as, well, a beatnik. My understanding is that those guys were perpetually pill popping (and I’m not talking Sudafed).

I have a strange romanticization of the writer/adventurer. (I mentioned Hunter S. Thompson in this post from two days ago.) My thoughts are jumping, but what I mean to say is that I’ll go for a more stream-of-consciousness feel than I’ve had before. I have a lot of thoughts, and it would be interesting to hone the skill of throwing them down rather than laying them out. I’m not sure what the result will look like, but though the logic and standard beauty of the writing may fall off, I see an appeal in strengthening some “abstract art”-ish style of writing where the meanderings of my writings, though less transparent, make for a better capture of my state of consciousness at that time.

Anyway, I’m dancing. My thoughts have been running, winding, and respooling. (No idea what that all means, but it accurately reflects the state of things.)

I finished a homework assignment earlier today, and I was very happy. I think I really love learning, but sometimes the deadlines get to me. Research has been so much fun because there aren’t deadlines: I just think at my speed (which is usually quite fast – I feel like dedicating time to research is easier than dedicating time to class), investigate cool things I come across, and, so far (fingers crossed for the future), I’ve made some very, very cool progress. Another benefit of research, of course, is the people you do it with. I have two concerns about research:

(1) Will I find as fun a person (and people) to work with in the future as I have currently? Will wherever I end up next be as much fun and have as many opportunities (or at least be fun and have good opportunities) as where I am now? I think so, but that’s a fear. I think my interest in research is legitimate, and not purely tied to the people I work with, but there’s been a huge element of fun to be derived from the people I work with. I am looking forward to wrapping up some pieces of this research (my sense is that it will continue in some form – hopefully forever; that would be cool – but a paper seems to be getting close), but I’m also a little bit sad because I don’t want the fun bits to end.

(2) Will I be able to replicate the success I have now, or was I just lucky to find something nobody found before? I have some inside insights (are insights inhenrently inside??) that even some Nobel prize winners essentially stumble to Sweden through pure dumb luck (or at least a healthy [or unhealthy??] helping of dumb luck). I feel profoundly lucky to have thought of all the things I’ve thought of – and to have even found the problem about which to think – so I hold some level of concern that I won’t be able to find as neat of things in the future. I highly doubt that I’ve peaked as a researcher, but the probability of that being the case feels uncomfortably non-negligle. Oh well – whaddya do. (No question mark because it’s unanswerable, and more of a mindset than a supposition.)

Speaking of “oh well”, I think I’ve gotta wrap this up. Morning and classes approach, and I want to be awake (both physically and mentally) for them.

Coming up tomorrow: more vicarious athletics, maybe some running (I hit 60 miles/week for the last 5 weeks of the summer, and I’ve been maintaining OK-ish mileage – maybe 15? for the past few weeks), classes, possibly a panel discussion, maybe some more feelings (hopefully good ones – I see ya, Flo Rida).

Well, to bed.