Things were looking kinda tough, but then I got some very exciting news today.

The goals I’d discussed in this post were looking, although not out of reach, a lot more deferred than I would’ve hoped/expected. After some news today, there’s a good chance a bunch are coming true already! Of course, things can still go wrong. I’ve experienced enough “almosts” (and worse) to know to count my chickens only after they’ve hatched – and grown up a little.

Throughout this experience, I impressed myself with my faith. I don’t think of myself as religious, but I realized that I have strong faith, both in my abilities and in my resilience. (And, for that matter, in the idea that God has a plan for me.) As alluded to in this post, I’ve gone through some rough times, and I’ve made it out on the other side – and I think I’ve made it out a better, stronger person. I’m proud of who I’ve become over the past year or two. (Or, from a more Confucian perspective, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and how I’ve treated others over the past year or two.)

I’m proud of who I’ve become over the past year or two.

I must state here that I recognize that at least part of my faith is a product of privilege. I’ve got a great, loving support system that I know has my back unconditionally. I’ve also been able to cash in on some nice advantages (mostly figuratively). I’m proud of the path I’ve blazed, but I’ve become increasingly conscious of the many people who have helped me along the way.

There are definitely people out there who work harder than I do (and, in all likelihood, have more ability than I do) who don’t make it as far as I do.

On the other hand, part of my faith is a product of non-privilege. (Though, of course, I am not myself non-privileged.) I’ve known how bad things can be, which makes me willing to set an incredibly low floor for “acceptable achievement”. My foremost goal is to be happy with myself. And often “being happy with myself” is almost fully detached from outside views of me. If I feel like I’ve put in the work, I’m happy.

I’m often happy, but a weight lifted from my shoulders today. I didn’t realize how nervous I’d been until I was no longer nervous. It’s been great, and I’ve also realized that I should worry less about me. I’m pretty good at stuff. As long as I keep doing me, I’ll get through it!

I’ve been a little nervious, and I’ve had some rough times in the past. I’m excited to have a day to hope and dream!

My head’s been kind of cloudy today, so I haven’t gotten a lot of work done. I tested negative for Covid, so I’m chilling, but focusing has been hard. I’m hoping it clears up tomorrow. I think I’ve got enough late days and enough friends to help me out, though.

Anyway, that’s the muddled excitement from today. Some residual guilt, perhaps; maybe a touch of headache; probably some sleepiness. Idk. This post came off a lot less excited and a lot more confused than it should’ve. I’m quite excited right now!