In all honesty, I think Day Two’s better than Day One (this time, anyway).

For past events, sometimes Day Two has been worse. Reality sets in, or something. This time, I don’t think I’m deluding myself, and I do think I’m doing all right.

I ran well this morning, I was able to stay calm, I got some work done. I was, to be frank, exhausted. I struggled to sleep last night, and I didn’t to get into a rut of sleeping in late and going to bed late, so I forced myself to wake up when I would’ve anyway. I slept about 4 hours – which, for me, is barely sustainable for a day. Even though it’s only just past 8pm, I’ll probably go to bed pretty soon so that I can be well rested tomorrow and so that I can wake up early.

I think another part of why I’m doing OK is because I’ve gotten a lot of support from the people I work/collaborate with, and from my college friends. There was a point where all the sympathy was making me feel a little less settled. I’d kind of decided that I was roughly fine (all things considered, but even adjusting for all things a little less than usual). Then all these people were telling me they’re there for me, and to take the time I need, and I was kind of thinking, “Y’know, I’m not doing bad.”

My grandma also wasn’t a person to dwell too heavily on the past, so I think that’s helping me: I’m feeling ready to continue, and I feel like she’d give permission (even encouragement) to continue.

My biggest concern, still, is my relatives. I guess that’s how it always is: I’m way more concered by the impact on children/parents/spouses than on myself. I think I’ve just got to not make it my resposibility. That was something I struggled with in 2018, and it’s not easy to not do because I feel driven to help others, but I think I’ll be able to get it done. And then there’s a slight fear that someone would be more emotional and I’d kind of get angry (not outwardly but inwardly), but I’m much better at not doing comparative suffering.

Another semi-fear is that I’ll show up to the funeral with a bit of a smile – because I genuinely feel like there’s a lot to be happy for, though this is of course also deeply sad. I don’t think people will judge, though, and I feel like there’s a good chance I’ll shed a tear.

Actually, I don’t think I cried at my other grandma’s funeral (I’d gotten the crying out of the way earlier). And that was OK. To be fair, her family’s attitude toward death is a lot more positive (not in a weird way, just in a kind of nice way), so I’m not 100% sure what the other side will be like. I actually haven’t been to any of their funerals (mostly because there haven’t been as many, partly because they tend to encourage attendance a little less?), so I’m a little nervous about the unfamiliarity.

They are people, though, and more importantly they’re family, so how different will it be? Probably not too different. I guess I’ll find out, but that doesn’t seem worth worrying about. I’ll try to just follow my mom’s lead, kind of. I’m sure she’ll handle herself appropriately even if I’m having trouble.

Anyway, I’m feeling reasonably comfortable (although tired), and though I’ve definitely taken a hit, it feels like something I’ve done before. I think I’ll be OK, and I’m cautiously optimistic that the rest of my family will be OK. I should probably send some more messages tomorrow – I messaged her kids and my grandpa yesterday and today, but I should probably send some messages to my cousins tomorrow. Because I feel like I’m doing all right, so I want to let them know that I’m there.