Today was free Slurpee day at 7-Eleven (since the date was, you know, 7/11). Naturally, I cashed in.

I was not productive today, so I left early (with full permission of my adviser – he’s basically given me a license to do what I feel like this week). Once I realized that things were simply not going, I realized it offered a great opportunity to take advantage of free Slurpee day.

I ended up getting eight Slurpees – nine if you double-count the medium that one store was giving out since they’d run out of the small cups. My teeth still hurt a little as I type this.

I ended up missing out on four or five stores – two were closed, and two or three had broken machines. The density of 7-Elevens, though, boggled the mind and accomodated the Slurpee acquisition.

One nice feature of Slurpees is that that they seemingly have a lot of air. I didn’t use the bathroom once, and I didn’t fill up too horribly. It also offered a good chance to get out and do stuff. I’d already run in the morning, and I really did want to run again, but I knew that wouldn’t be the right long-term move, so I managed to abstain. The search for 7-Elevens also took my mind off other things, while still offering plenty of time to think. All in all, I’d say it was a successful outing and the right move for today.

Today, though, was definitely a “step back” – but that phrasing’s under the interpretation that progress toward normalcy should be linear, and I somehow forgot that it never is. Even still, I sometimes think of a guy who’s gone when I’m running, and I get this horrible, weather agnostic shiver. The top of my scalp shudders, my arms sometimes goosebump. It’s weird. Sometimes the wrong (right?) song lyric does this, sometimes a thought, sometimes an idea in a book. I don’t understand the mechanism, and it can really come out of nowhere, and I genuinely feel cold. It’s a little dramatic for my liking; I’m not sure that I’m a fan.

After lunch today, I really couldn’t think. I sent messages to my cousins (I feel like I’m a pro at this point, and I know I don’t like getting messages from people but also really like getting messages from people, so that’s why I opted to send them). But before that I badly overthought whether to send the messages for about 50 minutes. I was just kind of paralyzed. Then I just thought way too hard, tried to read some stuff but completely didn’t/couldn’t focus.

I had some meetings this morning, and those were nice because they gave me some structure. But then after the meetings another guy was talking to me (who doesn’t know, and I don’t see a strong reason to tell him) and I was just putting up a front the whole time, and it was horrible and exhausting. I really didn’t like it. I’m not sure how to handle similar things tomorrow (I know I will handle them, but it’ll be draining). I think I should just shut down harder. Headphones on (whether or not I’m listening). Look busy (maybe convince so hard that I convince myself to actually do stuff). This part stinks in a way that I forgot but that, oh yeah, definitely feels familiar. I think it’s mostly a waiting game, if I remember correctly. It just takes time, and thankfully I’ve got time, but at the same time I need to police myself a little to make sure I move on eventually.

Basically, I think I tried to move a little too fast. I’ve gotta slow down a bit tomorrow. I’ll probably try to just take things without any pressure through this weekend. Then by Monday I’ll try to get back into things since I feel like usually that’s how it is: at some point I just have to buckle down and say “alright” because otherwise this can go on forever. 51 weeks for a year isn’t bad.

Oh well. I know I’ve been worse off, but the crushing constancy of this is just a total drag. If it were just once every now and then, whatever. But it’s way more than I like. I think I’ve just gotta draw inspiration from the relatives who’ve gone through worse, draw inspiration from myself and my 20-mile runs, and keep in mind that this does take time but that the time it takes is so, so finite, and I’ve just gotta be patient and I’ll get there.

A weird thing is that all the tragedies (or whatever) help me really keep things in perspective, with one exception: the tragedies. So they prepare me for a lot, but the one thing they prepare me (perhaps?) the least for is themselves. What the heck. Man. I’ve done it worse before, and I’ll get it this time to (just a straight fact, not some sort of faux- or actual-inspirational thing). It’s strange, ‘cause I wouldn’t say I’m hurting. It’s more like I’m just tired.

Maybe this is the Slurpee comedown talking. I didn’t notice a sugar crash, but I really should’ve had one. Eight (nine?) Slurpees is a lot of a lot, and also a whole lot of nothing: talk about empty calories. I can of course take empty calories because I just need calories. I try to eat so much, and I succeed in eating so much.

All of this makes me even angrier at murderers. I hated them always, but this is a reminder of just how much I can’t stand them. The weird thing, too, is that I can’t empathize with their perspective, but when young guys die I start to see a little bit the progression that pushes people to the anger and apathy and emptiness and helplessness that leads them to do bad stuff.

My general approach in life, I’ve found, is to take all the steps I can to prevent death but to also shrug a bit when it happens. Not shrug with indifference, but shrug with inevitability, because it seems so inevitable (and a little moreso for the people around me). I don’t know why it’s apparently so dangerous to know me. I think I’m nice and gentle, I take very few physical risks, I think I encourage similar and I don’t think I surround myself with wild guys. Empirically, though, it seems like I’m quite the risk factor.

I’m not blaming myself here because that wouldn’t be fair or true. I’m just confused about why my presence is empirically such a hazard. I’m not going to change my behavior since the relationship does not seem causal at all, but wow is it correlated.

Sometimes writing helps me wind down a bit, so that’s what I hoped it’d do today. No such luck, seemingly, tonight. I’m not spiraling down or up, but I’m just going around and around and around. I think the best approach is to just go to bed, so that’s what I’ll do.

Maybe I’ll listen to the mourning playlist more tomorrow.